Death.

Went to a funeral for the first time today. Was kind of scared at first of seeing a dead body, of seeing things I have heard about, and just feeling really awkward.
I must say...it did make me think.
Today I conceptualized death in a whole new way. Before today, death was something only figurative in my mind. I mean, I know that it is inevitable, but I constantly forget that its a reality and that its occurrence is completely random. That when it happens, whether its your own death or a death of a loved one, things change dramatically. It was today that I realized that I'm always constantly forgetting that I am going to have to transition when this change happens.
Questions that crossed my mind as I stood in the crowded funeral home: when I look back at what I've done in my life, how will it effect my afterlife? What types of things will I have to repent for? What things, if any, will I be given peace for? Where does my fate lie? How will people react to my death? How will I be remembered, if I am even remembered at all?
The most important thought that has always astounded me is the thought of not existing. Of not being in this mirage of a world any more....of not being present in this temporary and perceived reality.
Today, I took away more than I expected as I cannot simply forget where I've been and where I'm headed. All I hope is that I am able to accept His will and that those around me will too when death happens to strike.
Rest in peace.

Rage attack.

I loathe it when people I know who are in relationships or currently married try to cheer me up about being single. I often get responses like, "don't worry...you will find someone" or "there's someone out there for you".
Please...spare me your empty premonitions. You cant guarantee that I will find someone or that there is someone out there for me. You cannot assure me that.
As far as I'm concerned, I'm going to die a lonely woman.
Here's a thought: how about you offer me your help?....you seem to be happily in love...show me how you did it!
Better yet...do you know a friend of a friend of a friend?
No you don't.
Because you are selfish and you want to rub it in my face.
Good day sir or ma'am.

Teenage Angst

Screams. Slams the door shut.
I'm acting out. Its rebellious. It makes me feel alive.
Two years passed my teenage era and I decide to start living it now.
I'm acting out so I can get what I want and to prove to you I now have the balls.
I don't care...I'm done caring...
Its teenage angst baby. Its back full throttle. Deal with it.

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Just kidding, too mature for that sh*t. But I do miss it...should've lived it up while I still could.
Final projects, final papers, final exams. That is all.

Poison.

A psychic once read my palm (by force...he grabbed my hand). He told me I was going to be so rich that dollar bills are going to fall from the sky and that I wont even know where its all coming from. While this would make your ordinary money hungry Joe excited beyond belief...it makes me sick. Ready for a cliche? I promise you its not a cliche...it just sounds like one but its truth:
I would trade every single dollar I had for love and happiness in this lifetime.
See...told you it sounded cliche...whatever...love and happiness are much more important...I would blow all those dollar bills on designer shoes and bags anyways and although that would make me happy for a while...sadly, the adrenaline rush doesnt last.
So then, what constitutes as love and happiness? Those definitions, my friend, only belong to me.
I'm done with the excessive spending...none of it gives me satisfaction. So why does it keep coming my way? I didnt ask for it...and I certainly never wanted it. I am slowly being poisoned. Everyones watching me die painfully as I swallow it. I can assure you...coins do not taste like chocolate...except if they are made out of chocolate...in which case mine arent. FML.

Superficiality

You're the first one to call her out if she gets regular laser treatments.
Yet, would you have even considered her as a partner if she didnt?
Sweetheart, save your breath.
We all know you want your Aishwarya Rai Mr. Singh.
The girl with the turban just aint cuttin it.
Say what?
Yeah...you heard me.

Soul mate.

Everyone has one. That one person that you connect with. That one person you meet but for some reason you can never leave. They were made for you as you were made for them.
Everyone has one. Everyone except for me.
Oh soul mate: if you exist, please come find me.
I'm not doing so well.
It gets more treacherous by the day.
Patience is not a virtue I possess.

Living in Uncertainty

I go to sleep tonight wondering if I'll be able to wake up tomorrow.
I can't promise You much, can I?
If You wake me, I'll waiver.
But I can offer You this: I want to connect...to feel You endlessly and constantly.
Slowly I am starting to fall in love with Your love.
I'm trying my best with Your help.
No promises yet.
It's coming along...
One day I will wake up knowing that I belong to the Guru and the Guru belongs to me. For now I wonder and I most definately wander.

Drenched.

Silly me...
I always fall in love with those who don't completely love me back.
Friends that never give me the time of day...
Men that I don't even have a chance with...
Family that can't always be there...
All I wanted was a little attention.
I guess its my fault in a way; I fell in love with the wrong person, the wrong people.
He's the one person thats always been there and I can say that with complete conviction since He's never left me for another even though I've cheated Him many many many times.
He's the only one who truly loves me back, probably even more than I know.
I want to be drenched in You...I want to commit to You fully and always but I don't know how.
I just...don't know how.

Telephone

Ring Ring Ring? Hello?
I've dialed Your number my love, will You answer?
The phone is ringing with the tone of Your name...waheguru waheguru waheguru....
There are many callers...yet there's no call waiting...the line never cuts...there's no static...no dead phone...it is as clear as clear can be...
I've made the call to You....when You answered my heart and soul vibrated with Your intensity...
Today I send out some of Your frequencies to the world...someone who may need it right now...someone who feels disconnected from the line....or doesn't own a decent phone...or someone with a crappy phone plan.
Hang in there...your call will be answered shortly...

Yearning

My eyes are wet, they yearn to behold Your image.
Please give me another chance, after the many chances You've given me.
Your brides enjoy Your company, please give me a second of Your valuable time, my heart aches without You.
I beg like a child, however I am as stubborn as a child, grace me with Your understanding.
I reach out my hand...I wait for You to grab it so I can get out of this deep dark pit. I wait for Your warm embrace.
My love, dont forget me no matter how much I forget You. How could I live without Your constant care. Your care is what soothes me.
Care for me always so that I may not stray too far away.
I am grateful to You.
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Off to India for a month...hope to have a good experience. I'll miss you all.

Pick and choose.

You wear religious robes, have taken the nectar, practice your sadhnaa daily...
You read many books, gather information from many resources, thinking of yourself as some specialist...
You've been blessed to be a part of the five, you've instructed and warned others of the perils...
Yet you indulge yourself and deny when called out on it.
So then what is the use of ridiculing the world? What is the use of making others feel worthless and Godless?
Tell me...where is YOUR love? Quit asking me where mine went.
You've risen to the highest level but sadly your conceit remains.
You can dish it but you can never take it.
I wish your heart was pure, you cant simply pick and choose...one day to wake up and be at your spiritual heights...the next to abandon it...and then decide that there is nothing wrong with that.
Contrary to your popular belief, you cannot have your cake and eat it too.
I'm sorry but my heart has been shattered...and many hearts who you've foul mouthed and ridiculed.
So then it comes down to this...aapai beej aapai hee khaahu

Understood.

"In this world I have seen love to be false"
Shabad by Guru Tegh Bahadur Sahib Jee
While questioning whether to sing this shabad or not, I thought to myself...have I actually experienced this? Have I actually seen love to be false? Do friends, relatives and even spouses just care about their own happiness?
Then...I realized the truth. I was rejected by my best friend and rejected by my parents all in one day. Now I know...I know that everyone says "Mine mine" but funny thing is, nothing goes along in the end. My foolish mind never listens, perhaps it never will.
Putting so much effort into recieving false love and giving false love...what use is it if you were to belong to the Guru?
So when is the day that I love the Guru? When is that moment where He resides in me and never leaves?
When will I be everything that everyone wants me to be? When will I be wanted?
My stupid questions could go on for ages. Excuse me.

Places Everyone!

What a grand show! The director has placed His actors on the world ocean's stage.
He wrote the script, all the lines are ready for execution.
Some characters are benevolent while others villainous.
Some are attached to falseness, others are caught up in the limelight and the fame.
Some are lovers....true lovers are the greatest actors of all time. They leave their mark and are remembered forever.
We are all bound by this script, whatever He has written is what is played out.
How fascinating Waheguru is!
Places everyone! Cue the lights, the show is about to begin!

The Fairest Trade

If only there was a being who could bring me closer to my Guru. I would sell everything to them. I would offer every part of me to them. As much as I could give, I would.
Please come quick...
Grab my hand and pull me toward the path which is as fine as a strand of hair and sharper than the edges of a sword.
I'm waiting...the clock is ticking...

The Right Way to Sin

Kaam-a burning desire to be near to the Lord
Krodh-fight a constant battle with your mind
Lobh-be as greedy as you want with the Lord's name
Moh-be attached to the Guru's feet
Hunkaar-recognize that you are the embodiment of the divine light

When Will My Turn Come?

They look so beautiful with their husband. They enjoy His company, never wandering away from Him. He receives them with a loving embrace. They lay upon His comfy bed. They belong to Him and He belongs to them. There is no distinction. There is just bliss. Anand.
----------------------------------------------------
So there I stand, on the other side. I am worthless, disheveled and dishonored. I have nothing to offer to my husband. I've wandered far away and I am swallowed up by the deep dark ocean. My life is meaningless without my Beloved yet I can't reach Him. What will it take? What must I do? My heart is shattering, my soul is stinging, my mind has gone crazy. Oh sanity, come back to me. Run away thieves so that my Beloved will come see me!

You Drag Me to Hell

You entice me constantly, you never get tired.
You distract me from reality then you rip me away from my Beloved.
You make sure there's a wall between Him and I, you guard that wall with your life.
You take away the little wealth I gathered, now I'm broke. I have nothing to show for myself.
You make sure I feel disgusted at myself, even if I've felt false pleasure for a second.
The path was clear and you made it treacherous and murky...I've fallen off many times.
But kaam, this is your job; you were assigned these duties and you're doing a pretty damn good job of it may I say so!

What Is a Soul Bride to Do?

What is there to say, what is there to do?
What can I say about your virtues? What can I say about your infiniteness? Your power? Your love and unconditional care?
Nothing really....but who am I?
I am virtueless. My limit is finite.
I miss you. I have no one else to blame but myself.
When can I be with you again?
When will I see you again?
When will everything start to make sense again?
All I know is that I miss you.
Please love me for better or for terribly, imaginably, infinitely WORSE.
I'm sorry dear friend. All I want is your friendship again.
I'm sorry my beloved, when can I feel your love again?
Again and again and again.

The Rise and Fall of an Era

The man who everyone feared, loved and adored: he fell. He fell so hard.
He hit rock bottom, now prides himself on endless bottoms ups and all you can eat wings.
Sad, sad, sad.

The girl who wore the tallest turban, the tallest of them all. Everyone adored her and her donned turban. What an inspiration! What guts! How does her head stay up?
Well....she followed suit...she fell. She fell harder and faster than them all.
She now prides herself on a porn star image. Day by day, she is ruined. Yet everyone remembers her old self? Why do they praise it? I do not understand. I dont think I ever will.
Sad, sad, saddest.

We stand on the other side not realizing how easy it is to trip and fall. Do not think it cannot happen. Do not think you cant be stripped of your glory. What you have pride in now may shift and take a deadly form. Be thankful for where you are, do not pride yourself. Pride will lead to your downfall. Take the shelter of your Guru like a beggar...you, afterall, are nothing.